WHAT?

Welcome! What's this human’s life like? Just like yours: too much to handle gracefully. Here you’ll find writing on the epic theme: What now? I post weekly-ish. Except when I don’t.

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Thursday
Jun202013

Dear ShrinkU

For Debbie: This is her fault. 

Want balanced advice from ShrinkU?  Too bad. You get lame jokes only. 

*** 

Dear ShrinkU, I woke up blue this morning. What should I do? Yours bluely

Dear Blue,  Shower. 

***

Dear ShrinkU,  I’m always right and yet, a colleague calls me "The Claw.” What’s wrong with him? Wronged 

Dear Wrong Question,  Consult a vet. Declawing is affordable.   

*** 

Dear ShrinkU,  This North Country weather makes me crazy. Cold yesterday, warm today. What next? South of the Border

Dear SOB, The weatherman says: Hot tamale.

***

Dear ShrinkU,  Every time I have a guest over, my poodle humps her Pooh bear. I’m so embarrassed. How do I stop them?  Blushing

Dear Blush,  Tell them to take it to the bedroom. Unless that’s where you’re entertaining. 

***

Dear ShrinkU,  What do belly dancers and roller derby dames have in common? Richard 

Dear Dick,  Estrogen. You’re welcome. 

***

Dear ShrinkU,  I used to be round-shouldered and organized. Exercise straightened the slump, but now I'm all discombobulated. What the—?

Dear What The,  You’re bent out of shape. 

***

Dear ShrinkU,  Here’s a toughie for you. I’ve lost 200 pounds. How did I do it? Weight Of World Off

Dear WOW,  Easy. You got a divorce. 

*** 

Admit it, you want to know how low we'll go. Send us a Dear ShrinkU via the Comment link below. When the groaners pile up like a multi-car crash, we’ll post them. 

ShrinkU:  Visit our campus in Wry, corner of Ham and Cheese.

Saturday
May252013

Pauses

When I realize: Eighteen years living in this house with Hubby and Son, and only I don’t have a room of my own, I make up my mind to take back two.

I survey the smaller one. That desk? Straight to the curb. Those ugly file cabinets holding must-save paper? In the closet? I slide open the door.

Boxes and boxes, every which way, lids scattered, Son’s middle school comic book collection. (He’s twenty now.) Clothes crumpled on the floor, fallen hangers, a dusty duffel bag, unzipped and stuffed with— guy gym clothes, soiled. (From when? My lip curls.) A grimy window fan. And much more. I don’t need my glasses to see what I’m up against.

My eyes close. My shoulders slump. I sigh. This closet is nothing. I consider the acres I must reclaim from Nature to make just one room my own, much less two. How bad do I want it?

 ***

Overnight forsythias yellow, crab apples pink, windshields green. Rain. Fog capped mountains, silver lake, gray bright sky, water-dark tree trunks. Colors— yellow-greens, blue-greens, whites, golds, fushias, purples— burn through my eyeballs straight into my brain, and explode—

 ***

If I do the following passive ilio-psoas stretch every day, my alignment should correct and dance posture improve. It’d better. I lie on the floor, one leg elevated on an end table, the one getting stretched straight on the floor, arms out with palms up, for fifteen minutes. Per leg.  

It’s torture, just lying there, doing nothing, still and unmoving, releasing into the ground. I tense. I twitch. I crave a shortcut. Something, anything to make it go faster, get it over, I have things to do. As if I wasn’t doing something. Monkey mind, the Buddhists call it, that false urgency. Reality check: fifteen minutes take fifteen minutes. No more, no less. Ditto, the second fifteen.

Today, I actually dozed off. Progress?

 ***

As I slip into sleep— thunder booms. Rain rushes. Cicadas saw, the metallic whine swelling and receding. A growling-yowling-snarling rips through.  At least two…. What? Cats? No. Dogs? Definitely not. Next to me, Poodle Oodle lifts her head, lifts her ears. We wait.  It comes again. Again, I don’t know. One more time. We wait. Rain shush shush-es, the cicadas silent.

 ***

Poodle Oodle rides shotgun, unbelted. She’s just a dog. I’m late, speeding a little, admiring the view, calculating my e.t.a. when the black Honda far ahead is suddenly much too close, flashing red brake lights.

I slam the brake to the floor. Poodle Oodle crashes into the foot well. The Honda turns left into a driveway. I glance down. She’s not moving. I pull over.

Heart racing, I lean over, she’s lying on her right side.  She lifts her head and looks at me— What happened?— unfolds one limb at a time, rises slowly to her feet, hops gingerly up onto the seat and settles, one limb at a time, onto her left side. She’s eleven. She had knee surgery six months ago. She’s eleven.

I stroke her. Gently, I palpate her joints, especially the right shoulder, which took the blow, and the bad knee. No yips or jerks-away.  She’s OK.  She gazes at me with only love.  My eyes burn, my throat swells. Just a dog.

 ***

When I shimmy-walk out with the troupe, the sun blinds me, spotlighting in through windows above the bleachers. It’s half time at a home bout of the local women’s roller derby club. We are the entertainment.

The derby dames in their crash helmets and roller skates, ripped fishnets and knee pads, short shorts (plain, ruffled, skirted), tagged tanks (Khaos, SuffoKate, Bam-B), elbow pads and tats, grin as we goddess by.  

Our sleek belly dance costumes— low slung mermaid skirts below bared abs of steel, one-strap tops above, glittering strands of faceted beads— assert the same seditious message theirs do: We are female. We own our bodies. We own our prowess. Estrogen rocks! Enjoy.

The crowd oh-s and wow-s, woops and claps. Smiling, I surrender to the sun in my eyes and the music, and nail the next move. First time, ever.

 ***

When the music shifts, so do we, from two rows into a circling wagon wheel, backs to each other, facing out, in time to the music. “How did you do that?” my friend asks after. Days later, the answer comes: One step at a time.

 ***

Open window—

sun-warm breeze and

lilac… 

Tuesday
Apr162013

Teaser!

Readers, the flow from the Muse seems to be going into my dancing feet instead of my keyboarding fingers. Post pending.

Meanwhile— Woot! Woot!— guest posted on Later Bloomer, a lively and inspiring blog by Debra Eve aptly subtitled: Inspiration For Your Creative Second Act.  Check it out!

Saturday
Mar302013

April Fools!

my back yard lilac and forsythia

Spring Forward? Give thanks for the time change? Not me. And that's not the only reason I don't like spring. Let me count the ways. 

  • All that bright light gives me a migraine.
  • Between the sun beating on my eyelids, the birds hollering, and the young-married whippersnapper next door d-i-y-ing it with hammer and  chopsaw, who can sleep in?
  • When the snow melts, the yard is— an eye sore. Gardening. Some people love it. Which reminds me.
  • Mud. Tracked in the house. Daily.
  • One day it’s cold. One day warm. I’m either under-dressed or over-dressed. Shivering or sweating.
  • Mid-March, the sky dumps a foot of snow the day I dance with the troupe for the first time at a fundraiser. Wearing heavy weather boots and down coat over ankle length costume, I trip on all that fabric climbing the steps into the building. Almost tossed my wig catching myself. I have a temper. Especially when I’m a red head.
  • Passover, and ten days of matzo. Which morphs to concrete in the colon. That’s why it’s called the Bread of Affliction. And/or a guilt-by-association Easter plunge back into chocolate/jelly bean addiction. Well, relapse is part of recovery.
  • The first of two (global) peak incidences of depression (the second in fall). Sicker patients at the office. More patients paging after hours.  That’s why shrinks practice medicine. God forbid I get out of practice.
  • Spring cleaning.  I found myself slogging  through six years’ worth of paperwork mounded on my home “desk.” Why? Act of God? Brain blow-out? Who knows. I couldn't stop. Hours of decisions ended up shredded in five garbage bags. It was horrible. When the desk grows another paper pustule, I'm not touching it.
  • Taxes.
  • People EVERYWHERE, faces turned up to the sun, biking, jogging, walking around, cluttering up the landscape.  

On the up side, spring too shall pass. Besides, it’s not all bad. There’s the student dance recital coming up. And Son’s May Day birthday, his twentieth. Talk about spring green.

The troupe’s next gig, we’re the half-time entertainment at the May “bout” (a.k.a. game) of the local, all-girl, roller derby club. That ought to be wild and clashy. Like spring.

Spring snow—

Kids in shorts and sneaks,

no socks